I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
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If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.