What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
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My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Anyone really
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.