Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
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ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: