find these 10 emoji for no good reason
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Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.