“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
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Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Me :
All Day At Night
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I just ran a .003048K
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Me as a therapist: omg same
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master