The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
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Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!