*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
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Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer: