me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
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[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
So we got a goldfish…
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them