I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
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broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I have obtained a hat
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything