Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
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I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
we did it you guys we saved daylight
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.