I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
You Might Also Like
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.