Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
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Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese