4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
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I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.