“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
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“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I don’t think my car can fly
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
why no one uses midhusbands
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I’d love this…lol
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.