*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
You Might Also Like
Easy enough.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.