My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
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Oh deer
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Huge, if true.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
April 1st is the class clown of days.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.