My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
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In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks