Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
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Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?