My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
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“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Stop.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
[commercial for IKEA]
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