Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
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You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
You wish you had this many chins.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em