How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
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Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.