my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
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A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.