When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
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Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.