Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
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Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.