My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
You Might Also Like
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”