Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
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Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.