70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
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me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Don’t touch that.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.