When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
You Might Also Like
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody