Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
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My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Nice try Hitler
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..