There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
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My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Match dot com, but for socks.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Made something I’m not proud of
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
They must have gotten it to go.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*