BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
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I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.