In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
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Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Same pineapple, same
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
I only say stupid things when I talk.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Just parrot things