When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
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[the middle of showering] I need a break
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.