“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
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I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what