HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
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My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Bootstraps
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker