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My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
this article brought to you by lions
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
the last thing a carrot sees
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?