*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
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Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
mmm onion ringos
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.