*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
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Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
The Joker was right
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…