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Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
OMG 🤣🤣
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Smells like a challenge to me
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack