God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
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The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.