HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
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This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Just why bro?!
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.