[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
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if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
When they try to steal your moment.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
My work here is done
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!