Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
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My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
a god among men
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG