If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
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Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.