Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
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[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
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