Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
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Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.