Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
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one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him