Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
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“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there