she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
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I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”