hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
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WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.